There are days I sit after posting on the blog that I wait. I look at my phone frequently if I’m not home; if I’m home on my computer, I watch for the little banner that shows there’s new mail. I’m watching for the notification that tells me someone has visited/commented on the blog. You see, that’s the only way we bloggers have to know that we are not writing to Blogging Limbo that someone is actually reading what we wrote. There are also times when I’ve posted and there’s not one comment and I think: ‘Oh, gee, I was right all along. I really have nothing to say to anyone. It’s not worth it. I’m gonna eat a big fat worm and die.’ And then-there are other days that I set that post out there and just release it and let it go and never think twice about responses or worth or the post for that matter. Because I had to write.
I am walking a tightrope. I lean first one way then the other.
I seek affirmation. As I heard someone say recently: “I’m an affirmation junkie, my cup has a crack in it and I’m always wanting it refilled”. It’s not praise I’m looking for, I just want to know that I’m on the right track; that my writing is not so far out there that you need a ride on the space shuttle to get it.
The posts that sit out there like overripe fruit on the vine and nothing happens, the times I think that this is the best thing I’ve ever written and dead space is all I see- I must admit are a challenge to my understanding and my sense of worth at times.
Then there are moments I know that it says just what it’s supposed to say. The days when I’m not concerned about reaching just anyone, the day when I hear that whisper to my heart- “That’s what I wanted you to say. There’s one person out there that needs to read this; I’ll get her there, you just post it.”
If you are a writer, I know you know exactly the feelings I’m talking about. If you are a reader, you know this happens throughout life, too. The compelling thing is that we humans need feedback, whether it’s a smile, a bear hug from our little critters, a note, a message, a text, an email, or just a look. We all want that from our fellow humans; I think we look for that from others to justify our existence as members of the human race.
As believers, it can be very difficult to walk that tightrope in the upright position. We are pulled by media, friends, a desire for worth, pride. So many things. We want recognition for a job well done. Otherwise, our self worth ends up in the tank of “I don’t deserve anything”. When we look to the world we are pulled off balance one way or the other. The reality is that God’s purpose for us is neither tons of praise nor the depths of worthlessness.
It’s when we focus on Jesus that we find we don’t lean more one direction or the other. Our worth, our affirmation, our identity is in Him. He keeps us balanced. The challenge and opportunity we see before us is there all the time. For me, the challenge is to constantly check what I’m writing with the Holy Spirit; to not go off on a tangent, a rant, or climb up on the soapbox (ok, ok, you can stop laughing now). The opportunity? To see the gift He’s given me put to use the way He desires.
How’s it going on your tightrope?
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Ephesians 5:8-10
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Ephesians 5:15-17