Yes, that is what I am.
I’m looking for You.
The God Whose face I dream to dare to touch. Whose eyes look into mine, looking deep into the depths of me and Who alone knows me for who I am.
Like the writers in the Psalms- I search, I wait, I have sleepless nights, I feel despair, I feel elation, I feel justification, I feel abandonment. I want peace, I want vengeance, I want justice, I want righteousness, I want to prosper, I want to win, I want You to defend me, I want joy, I want rest, I want to be in Your presence.
I want You.
Sometimes, You are close, God. And then, You’re not.
Sometimes I know You are here.
Sometimes I hear You speak.
Sometimes I hear You respond to me.
Yet, You don’t even have to give me a twinkle of a thought.
That scares me.
Yet, Lord, I still want more of You. I hunger for Your Word.
Sometimes it crushes me.
Sometimes it breaks me.
Sometimes it molds me.
Sometimes I am held in the cleft of the rock by it.
Sometimes the right word at the right time makes me come alive.
I wish I was more- a better mother, a better grandmother, a better wife, a better me.
One that doesn’t trip from guilt to guilt over what I have or haven’t done.
One that wishes she was understood.
One that wishes she understood.
But, the want-to and the doing are so far apart in reality. How can I ever be who I am in You and be content? How can I stand up and say I’ve run the race, I’ve completed the course, I’ve persevered and pressed on and endured for You when I don’t even know what I don’t know?
This sounds so… so – like I’m rambling or ranting as one on the brink of insanity. And maybe I am.
Maybe we all are? All of us who follow a Carpenter who left all for nothing and got a mountain of rejection and a nightmare taste of hell just so we could become His siblings and call You Abba and live forever in Your presence.
“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ ” Acts 17:24-28