One Word

wintertreeweb

SURRENDER

This word came to me in the weeks before Christmas. I wasn’t praying about it; I wasn’t even thinking about “One Word”.  But it came, nevertheless. And it made me feel like this tree in the picture- dry, no evidence of life, with arms outstretched to Heaven. Reaching for warmth in the cold of winter.

I suppose you could say it came on angel wings- if you wanted to be poetic about it.

I suppose you could say it came because the year was coming to an end.

I suppose you could say it came because those three words I chose at the beginning of 2014 were sitting there staring at me every time I looked at my blog: Grateful- I was determined to be grateful if it killed me; Stand-I wanted to take a stand and stand firm on the solid ground of the Gospel; and Forward- I was looking forward to the place where I belong, where being an alien is not possible-the place where the streets are made of gold- not painted with gold, not covered with gold, not sprayed with gold, not gold filled, but solid gold streets.

Ok.

 You get the picture.

How did I do over the past 12 months?

I was grateful: for my home, my family {when they agreed with me}, for my faith, for all I’ve been given; yes, you could say it was semi-successful if you were measuring it as the world measures. But I couldn’t.

 I tried to stand on The Rock. But it was clear by Mother’s Day I was not able to keep from falling physically. I developed an imbalance. It came suddenly with vertigo as the herald. My head spun like a top, I lurched across rooms, reaching out for something to hold onto to keep from falling. It was clear that I was not going to stand very well. This was also true as I read scripture {between FB posts, emails, texts, phone calls, errands, etc.}; but my deep study that had been there in the past was not present this year. My grasp was loosened and I sat back and watched others serve, participate and grow. I did not stand very well at all.

I did move forward toward that City with golden streets- how can we not even if we are standing-eh, sitting still? I’m still an alien on this plane of existence. I am still looking forward, as time moves me forward. But honestly, I don’t anticipate leaving here and going there as much as I once did. There are too many little joys in my life- nine to be exact.

 When I was a young adult, maturing and discovering scripture in depth for the first time, my brain would take apart the words and I would eat them one at a time and truly begin to understand more than The Creation Story, Noah’s Ark, Jonah, the arrival of Jesus every year at Christmas and His Resurrection at every Easter. Then, I relished the visions of the Revelation given to John. I looked forward with great anticipation, joy, even. Now I wonder if I’ll be ready to lay down those things and people that I hold dear and go without reluctance when my time comes to change addresses the last time. His Return would be far preferable to see in this body.

I do look forward to that return with joy, anticipation, fear. Who would not be afraid? The awesome Majesty, the end of sorrow, suffering, hunger, pain, anger, violence, death, frustration; all those things gone in a flash. To be in His physical presence; close enough to touch, see, hear and walk the path together. Now that is pure joy.

 As I’ve come to the close of 2014 and am staring 2015 in the face, I write for the first time in a good while because this word arrived and carved a spot in my heart.

Surrender.

How does one describe something that hits you hard between the eyes? I surrendered my heart to Jesus long, long ago as a small child. This word has a much more complex meaning than giving my heart to my first love. It also means giving up those last vestiges of self control {an oxymoron if ever there was one} of my time, my space, my body, my hands, my feet, my eyes and ears. I must acknowledge that He is in Control and to learn to be totally submissive, accepting, and content. (ah, there’s that word I always seem to be tripping over)

The coming year will be a new journey for me- discovering what surrender really means in my life.

The dictionary defines it thus: to yield (something)to the possession or power of another; to give oneself up; to give up, abandon or relinquish; to yield or resign in favor of another; to submit. It comes from the Old French surrendre “give up, deliver over” (13c.), from sur- “over” + rendre “give back”.

I think the French got it right- I’m giving my whole self back and my life over to Jesus. He already has my heart, but He has asked for all of me and that is what I will strive to give to Him.

Do you not know that if you continually surrender yourselves to anyone to do his will, you are the slaves of him whom you obey, whether that be to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience which leads to righteousness (right doing and right standing with God)? Romans 6:16 Amp

This song  that’s been playing over and over in my head describes it well-

The Violet Burning: Mon Désir

The radio plays

On New Years Day

And all I want is you

Through the snow and the rain

On New Years Day

All I want is you

There’s a driving rain

Pouring down on me

Through a broken life

You have carried me

When there are no lights

You are all I see

All I want is you

All the promises made

On New Years Day

And all I want is you

And the meteors came

On New Years Day

All I want is you

We came in there through Chicago

Beneath a blinding light

You came all the way from heaven

Between the sorrow and the night

I was waiting for your gift, Lord

In the palaces of song

I knelt down to forgiveness

For all I had done wrong

I’ve got one more change

I’m gonna leave it behind

All I want is you

I was alone and I was broken

Beneath a blinding light

I went out into the darkness

I was holding to you tight

All I want is you