Through an event this past weekend I learned that I still have a lot to learn- about me. About people. And most importantly, about God.
I’ve spent most of my life learning. Drinking in knowledge. About life, the universe, everything. About God, about what a Godly woman/wife looks like, about Godly mothers, daughters, friends.
Yet, a painful discovery of how I can {still} make life miserable for everyone around me has hit me in the face.
I won’t expose the details here. It was not pretty, just downright ugly. Most others would just shake it off and move on. Not me. If life doesn’t go as I expect, if others don’t do exactly as they said, my applecart is upset. And MY apples are ruined-at least for that moment in time.
This is not just due to my elevated expectations, but a lack of trust.
My entire life up through 2008 was spent dealing with an untrustworthy parent. I can hear you saying: “surely not.” Maybe it is an exaggeration.
Let me rephrase that: In a world where, if we truly trust God to be Who He is and that, like Joseph, things meant to harm me, God intended for good, then we can bear up under most anything thrown our way.
For most of my adult life, someone managed to throw harmful things my way. Whether intentional or unintentional-that’s what my parent represented in my life. Lies, accusations, victimization, manipulation of circumstances, all were a daily part of the interchange with my parent. It was standard operating procedure to try to control through deceit.
Expectations by me that said parent would change, maybe this time it will be different…. Went unmet… There were the occasional times when a surprise glimmer of the person I wished for would show, but those fast faded in the next sentence spoken or question asked. I kept believing that eventually there would be a place where everything would fall into place, but that was not to be.
I had a functionally insane parent who re-wrote the rules of behavior every morning.
The erosion of trust in my heart began long ago and continued until death us did part.
Fast-forward. I find myself still operating on those same expectations. I just want people to do what they say they will do, exactly when they say they will do it. When they don’t there’s another erosion in my trust bank. How sad is that?
All that time God intended for good, was to mature me, to teach me to trust Him for everything and depend on Him only. Yet, I find I still haven’t quite learned the lesson well enough that it has stuck.
I still try to trust that my expectations will be met. My skepticism and cynical nature have not served me well in that department. I still want to believe that, someday, everyone will do what they say they will do and when they will do it.
So, this lesson is being re-taught. Again.
From my earliest recollection in nursery school{preschool to the younger generation}, the first two Bible verses I memorized were:
What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee. Psalm 56:3
And
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10
Trust. In. Him.
Know. Him.
The preschool lesson I am still learning.
Is He still teaching you a lesson you haven’t learned yet?
